A Little Monsterrr

[A personal journal from 2018 (possibly a chapter on something I'm writing right now)]

While I was locked in my room, a sentence just came out of my head. "You have feelings. Snap out of it. Don't make your heart like a rock. Learn to accept it." I told myself. These tears busted and I can't help but feel miserable. My parents came to me and I always hear this ringing tune in my ear, It says something and all I hear is "It's your fault. You're useless" "Everything's your fault" "You're a mistake. Why are you my child?". Maybe they were right. Maybe I was useless and a mistake. I just have to accept it. I stayed silent for years and I endured many years of the same things being said to me and I finally said "It's all my fault. You don't have to repeat it. It's my fault. It's all my fault. I did nothing to prove my worth here. Are you happy now?". Because of me, my parents separated. Months have passed since they separated when my mom found my stepdad. My first impression of him was a nice guy. I guess he was the reason how I bonded with my mom again. I trusted him that I opened up a lot to him and never did I know that he took advantage of my vulnerability. He knew how weak I was mentally and emotionally. I guess he just knew that I wouldn't know it...

I didn't know everything's exhausting physically lol

That feeling where you feel fine mentally but you don't physically is just me rn and I- yes

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Tjodfsfmz,
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I know no one will care about what I'll say but....

I've been taking a bit of a break from here for a few days. I'm still here but not as often these past few days because the stress and stuff was building up and it leads me to have not that positive thoughts. I've been talking with my parents about school matters and it feels a bit better that they weren't mad about my grades because I've been failing school lately. Something just felt missing and I felt like coming back here because I fell in a dark place in my mind. I just want to thank everyone here for being so kind and accepting and I've been here for almost 2 months and it's been the best here. Until now, I don't feel happy still. I don't have the happiest thoughts right now. It will take me time to be happy because happiness takes effort. I don't feel comfortable opening up to anyone too much especially after what happened to me before. Ily all so much. 

....❤